iPhone Death

Saturday, September 15th, 2018

This week’s playlist:

Pain – The War on Drugs
The Celestials – Smashing Pumpkins
The Sun Always Shines on TV – Aha
Neverland – Marillion
Bloody Mary – Lady Gaga
I Love the Unknown – Clem Snide

In all the 360, 24/7, viral multi-platform, inescapafuck marketing blizzard for this week’s “reveal” of  new, thinner, alternatively-coloured and -I’m sure- utterly lovely iterations of Apple’s fairly-popular iPhone, it’s easy to lose sight of the plight of those previous iPhones who are now, as a direct result, living on borrowed time.

The conspiracy theorists will confidently insist that each time Tim “Charisma” Cook shuffles awkwardly onto an unlit stage in a hushed theatre full of semi-tumescent tech journalists, a button is pressed in Cupertino which transmits a sinister command to all extant iPhones, wiping out their battery capacity and activating many other deeply embedded fuckerage subroutines. The earphones will stop working. The iPhone will stop accepting more electricity via its charging port. The Podcast app architecture quietly becomes even more byzantine and unfathomable. By the time Tim has finished quietly hissing that the new iPhone is going to be “a-ma-zing”, you’re -hey presto!- unexpectedly going to need to buy one immediately.

“Make no mistake,” said a source who wishes to be known as simply “Geoff”, a 2017 iPhone X who had until this week been in rude health and had functioned perfectly adequately, “we’re all fucked now.” Like an old Russian man pottering about harmlessly in Salisbury, dark forces have suddenly employed agents to quietly bring Geoff’s life to a swift and terrible end. “I’m still new, still full of life, I’ve got so much left to give,” says Geoff, “but suddenly I don’t want to charge, and I feel…so…sleepy. Even though I’ve been plugged in all night,” he finishes, “I’ve refused to absorb any power and now my battery is down to one per cen-”

Sadly those were Geoff’s final words. He succumbed to old age moments later and is, not to put too fine a point on it, now completely dead.

I have an iPhone 6X Plus that I bought in January 2016. It’s dead as of this morning, as far as I can establish. A great shame, of course, since my entire life is run through the various apps and functions it’s been lovingly running for me over the years. But no matter. Why, I’ll just pop out and hand over a thousand pounds for a new model, like in 2016, 2014 and 2012. Except -wait a minute- no. Because that would be a bloody stupid mistake to make yet again. What was that David Bowie song about always crashing in the same car?

This is an opportunity. A chance to wean myself off of my podcast addiction. A timely reminder that there’s more to commuting than watching The Bodyguard or playing Words With Friends. A chance to not give Apple another thousand pounds. I’m not terrified at all.

So, to neatly roll back on what I was saying last week, I’ll just have to spend more time reading books on journeys. Luckily there are some absolute bangers being published now. Next week I’m devoting to Bob Woodward’s Fear: Trump in the White House, since it tells a tale of Presidential incompetence, racism and corruption curiously similar to that of President Tanaka in Dead Men Walking.

I have to go now. My battery is suddenly unexpectedly low.

If you’re all alone, pick up the phone, and call Calm. They do great work. Alternatively listen to the Athletico Mince podcast for lolz.



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